


And it's times like these, and it's days like these

by toneelspeler



Series: theory of mind [4]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, Intersectionality, Islamophobia, M/M, POV Second Person, Racism, biology buddies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 14:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12110817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toneelspeler/pseuds/toneelspeler
Summary: You’re very thankful to have her in your life.---Isak reminisces about his friendship with Sana.





	And it's times like these, and it's days like these

It’s hard to say what the exact moment was when you saw her differently than you had been for a year now. Your friendship was a reluctant one, formed as a result of blackmail and the wrong place in class. You had been annoyed with her behaviour: a know-it-all, a person who forced you into attending weird _kosegruppa_ meetings, someone who had troubles putting weed in the correct pocket of your bag.

But then again. If not for her, would you have met your boyfriend for the very first time that first _kosegruppa_ meeting? If she hadn’t ordered you to come, it would have probably taken weeks for you two to talk to each other. If not for her, would you have been able to tell your religious mother about your new relationship, even if it was through text? If she hadn’t made the effort to inform you about religion, about it relates to sexuality, in terms of evolutionary theory and in personal relations. You don’t think you are likely to forget that conversation any time soon.

The parallel universes are filled with these endless possibilities. You’re very sure about one thing though.

You’re _very_ thankful to have her in your life.

\--

Ever since you started dating your boyfriend, you’ve had some troubles showing your affection for him in public, in the face of all your friends and strangers to see. It’s a long process, but you take your time and slowly you are allowing yourself to brush your hand against his arm; to hold his hand in the school yard; to kiss him sitting in the windowsill of your biology class.

But you’re also aware of other people. You’re not the kind of person to completely lose yourself in your relationship; you keep being aware of what is acceptable and considerate – mostly because you can almost not count the amount of times Magnus and Vilde have crossed public decency lines on your fingers anymore.

So when she enters the classroom, you’re not exactly embarrassed – maybe a little, tiny bit sad. But it’s alright, you know her. She’s been one of your biggest supporters.

You wonder sometimes if she has someone in her life, someone that means more to her than she’s willing to show. When you see her staring at a picture of two boys, your curiosity gets the better of you. If there’s any way you could help her, you would love to.

If only one of the boys hadn’t been Mikael.

\--

Your obsession with what happened with Mikael takes a few weeks to digest. You keep asking her, gently prodding her, to tell you about the connection. One Wednesday morning you see them talking together at the lockers, but you decide to lay low after an overenthusiastic kiss on the cheek.

You realise that he will tell you if he needs to.

Then the night at SYNG happens. It’s chaotic, confusing, and you’re disoriented when her brother suddenly appears and knocks you down. You feel ashamed when you see her trying to diffuse the situation, when her hands touch your cheek and you flinch away a little, leaving her hands bloodied and eyes in fear.

You never meant for it to become this muddled; you just wanted Even to be okay.

\--

The damage done was, fortunately, limited to a black eye and a sore nose. You feel unsure how to react to her, how to even speak with her. It seems that she feels entirely the same; she feels different, more distant, more blocked off. It feels even more harsh – talking with her – than you did before you became friends.

You can’t exactly talk to her about what happened at SYNG; unsure of your reaction, unsure of her connection with her brother, unsure of what he told her. But you like her, so you choose a safe topic. Homework. Your unofficial official competition for the highest grade is still running, but you have helped each other a lot – no one else in class should get the highest grade.

Her reaction cuts you right to your spine; it reminds you of a place not too long ago. Of being alone in bed, in your room, living away from family, the only means of contact with them through text messages. Of insecurity, and loss, and isolation. You feel that she’s going through something deeper than she shows.

And so you think -- if not for her, I would be. But now, I am not alone.

And she’s not going to be either.

\--

You know you will only scare her away if you confront her on her words; she’s not very willing to admit her faults sometimes, it’s one of the things that you realised very early on. Your friendship is also not necessarily _that_ close for you to talk about it with her.

So you do the next best thing: you keep popping up in her vicinity. You notice that she’s barely around her friends anymore, and you keep finding her alone, with textbooks in windowsills. Even trying to get information out of her is impossible, her exclaiming that everything is well and nothing is ever wrong. It’s like you’re seeing yourself from only six months ago.

You keep making excuses, saying that you need her help, giving her wrong answers to questions, in the hope that one day she’ll bite.

At the end of the week, she does.

\--

Well, it’s not exactly a _lie_ that you need _some_ help for studying, to be really honest. Living together with your boyfriend does… alter your study habits a little. And while you used to love to study on your own, to get your bearings on the material by digging in deep and forgetting about the world, there’s something to studying _with_ her. She’s a clear instructor, knows how to summarise chapters like no one else you know, and always researches online to help her understand even more.

Something you clearly should’ve done with regards to the fine art of making tea.

But something’s still nagging in the back of your mind, and has been ever since SYNG. She’s known him for far longer than they have ever admitted to you. And it’s bothering you, a little bit, that they never told you – as if they didn’t trust you, as if you weren’t _allowed_ to know.

When she tells you that people have the right to decide what they tell other people, it’s a punch in the gut.

If it had been anyone but her, Even’s past might have been revealed in a very unsavoury manner, revealed in sensationalised gossip as had been the case with your sexuality. But it was her. Even if it’s all still rather in the dark, you’re happy that Even had her in his corner.

Her understanding, her ability to see herself in someone else’s shoes, is one you aspire to have one day.

\--

But she’s not infallible. When Sara and her friends accuse you of spreading your private conversations through Instagram, you know exactly who’s responsible. One of the reasons you get along so well is because you understand where she’s coming from; she reacted the same way you did once upon a time. On a whim, trying to hurt people because they’ve hurt you.

You don’t mind that Sara hates you. You mind that Sana felt so backed into a corner that she decides to fuck over friends.

The conversation that follows is hard and a little frustrating; but you get to the crux of her feelings. And you understand, to some extent. To give advice is not one of your stronger suits, but you try. You feel closer to her than you’ve done before, so you tell her the truth about SYNG. Misunderstandings seem a huge trend as of late. You finally can joke again, wanting to see her smile; to make her see that she’s got more people on her side than she thinks. Because she does.

Even if they’re not her best bud.

\--

Throughout the week, you keep an eye out for her. When the truth comes out, you send your support; to let her know you’ll be there for her if she needs it. It’s all you can do.

Eva texts you at dinnertime on Tuesday to ask why you didn’t tell her that you weren’t the culprit. You ask her what Sana told her, but it’s as you had expected. Nothing much. So you tell Eva the truth; that Sara had been bullying her friend for months, making her feel unwanted and unsafe, which is why she lashed out and tried to hurt her back.

After some silence, Eva asks softly why Sana didn’t tell them. You tell her that sometimes -- when something’s ingrained into you for so long, whether it’s homophobic or racist language – it’s hard to get rid of the voice in your head telling you that they’re right. That you don’t belong. That you’re different, and will never be accepted. It makes you not want to try anymore.

That sometimes, all you really need is friends to be there for you.

\--

After that, things start to lighten up again. You see her amongst her friends at Eva’s party, hugging, laughing, and softly smiling that smile that gives her dimples. It’s a version of hers that you’ve missed.

During the week, your boyfriend had contacted her brother after receiving a text from Sana telling him that he said hello. The relief in his shoulders after that first phone call had been wonderful, and you asked to tell him that you were sorry for punching one of his friends. And, after a few minutes of silence in which Even nodded and hummed, he tells you that all is forgiven.

So here you are now, playing games, drinking and dancing among old and new friends and knowing only one thing.

If not for her, your boyfriend would have still been wrecked with guilt, would have probably never had the courage to reach out to his old friends; making amends with them, but mostly, making amends with himself.

And you can never truly repay her for everything she’s done for both of you.

\--

It turns out, she does have someone her life that she adores, and she even _tells you_ about him. The dancer boy with the longer hair, whom your boyfriend tells you is one of the kindest people he knows. And that’s saying something. Even finds most of the population to be kind. You can’t help but tease her a little bit; but she’s unsure. It’s complicated.

And you know about difficult and complicated relationships; they’re hard to navigate, and it’s not without a fair share of long discussions and conversations.

But you’ve also never been happier. You wish she could be as happy too.

With or without him.

\--

After being confronted with… _that_ on your eighteenth birthday, you realise that this is not the first and will not be the last time you are verbally assaulted by a stranger. One of your biggest fears is that you’ll not come out unharmed, but you can’t help but stand up. Stand up against threats and slurs; as if people should just be allowed to say whatever they’d like. You wouldn’t have done this even a year ago.

And then you realise: what if this had happened to you since you were a little kid. A little girl, deciding to wear a cloth over your head, being spat on and being called slurs and being threatened to _go home to your country_. You remember your conversation with that little girl, now grown to be seventeen years old and not even able to tell anyone about it because it’s become _normal_ and no one notices.

You’re a bit ashamed of what you told her that day. The need to tell her about the incident arises, to tell her what you experienced; but you can’t. Not yet. So you don’t.

But what you can do is thank her, praise her, even if it’s in a speech. Because she is one of the strongest people you have ever known, and you’re glad that you’ll be staying together for a while. You learn so much from her. If not for her, you’d be going to study medicine on your own.

But you also know --

If not for her, you would have gotten that 6.

 

**Author's Note:**

> come and find me on tumblr @toneelspeler!
> 
> this... took a lot out of me. like that conversation on the bench was the hardest to convert into this perspective, gosh. i hope i did their relationship justice.


End file.
